It's Thursday and it's been quiet for too long.!

[elmo]

A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a gin..... ..... ..... .... .... .... .... .... ..... ....and tonic."
The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?"
The bear says, "I dunno, I've always had them.

[Kathy Lachance Post]

Good one Elmo! 

I agree, it's been much too quiet around here

[Jon Schweers]

Another better late than never........

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny ,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says,

"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."

[Kathy Lachance Post]

OMGosh...I am not sure how to respond because I am laughing so hard 

[Jon Schweers]

When to Start Cussing

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval.. The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with a$$..' The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom , I guess I'll have some Cheerios.' WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!' She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' I don't know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat a$$ it won't be Cheerios!'

[Kathy Lachance Post]

I'll bet you kept your mother busy Jon 

[Jon Schweers]

I'll bet you kept your mother busy Jon 

No my mom beat me like a piñata with a hot wheel track to keep me in line…………………she was right 

[toysandprojects]

I got the Hot Wheel track treatment a few times toooo.
Now who's Got Some info. Steve

[Kathy Lachance Post]

 
Should children witness childbirth? Good question.

Here's your answer.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen,
a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could
see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
The mother pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed
3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded,
'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his ass again!'

Thanks to Cindy1 for sending this to me.

[Jon Schweers]

 
Should children witness childbirth? Good question.

Here's your answer.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen,
a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could
see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
The mother pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed
3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded,
'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his ass again!'

Thanks to Cindy1 for sending this to me.

.....lol


Wal-Mart has everything!


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,'My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1 Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener . (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

[Kathy Lachance Post]

How's that tennis elbow, Jon? 

[Jon Schweers]

How's that tennis elbow, Jon? 

My DR. told me it was from shifting the bug………… 

It's awful to get old!

OLD people have problems that you may not have even considered yet !

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing."Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. "We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

"The doctor was shocked, "You asked your neighbor ?"

The old man replied, "Yep, None of us could get the jar open."

[Jon Schweers]

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St.. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde (from Ohio ) said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde (from Indiana ) said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde (from Kentucky ) said she knew what Easter was and St. Peter said, "So, tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.
St. Peter said, "Verrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
St Peter fainted.

[Chris513]

i work at walmart its fun working there

[Jim Gillum Racing]

I can hardly wait to get home and rip my wife's panties off, they're really irritating my crotch.